Interesting story about a somewhat dim Jonathan Abernathy, scraping by, who gets lured into "auditing" dreams.
He has been in this position before, so knows relief is soon incoming. All Abernathy must do is await a DEATH OF THE SELF TO KICK IN. DEATH OF THE SELF is a type of thing his brain does whenever he has to keep on keeping on. You know, despite it all. Once his self dies (the egoy, embarrassed part of him that feels things), he can do anything. He can work sixteen doubles, dumpster-dive at midnight, walk three hours home in the rain, you name it. Experience tragedy. Homelessness. Loss. If there is no one inside him, if he vacates his own body's premises, there is no one to experience the humiliation that goes hand in hand with poverty.
Here are two of the secrets they are keeping from each other, as they sit, hushed, huddled closely together on the couch.
We know Abernathy's. He has tripped and fallen into love. He fell fast and hard and now he is scared, so he is denying that he is here. He feels drawn to Rhoda on the level of one soul being drawn to another soul, an unexplainable process that has plagued and blessed the human race since its creation. It is more than just a physical attraction. It is a deep appreciation for who she is. He feels grateful that she is alive, on this planet at the same time he is alive on this planet. He cannot imagine his existence on this planet without her existence.
Does she want to be pulled in?
Neither one of them is sure.
In the end, she wants it to be his decision.
Abernathy does not bring her closer. He can feel her right there, right there, but he hesitates. There it is: something within him he can't overcome. Instead he drops his hand and whispers as he pulls away, "Happy New Year, Rhoda."
For now, Abernathy thinks, this is enough.
This will have to be enough.
Abernathy is very confused. He starts to get the feeling that there is a conversation beneath the conversation that he has somehow missed. He has the feeling that this happens to him a lot. That things happen and then he doesn't notice and then they are gone before he can enjoy them. Conversations taking place beneath the conversations taking place. Who knows what all he's missed. He could see how, to someone else, he may seem like a completely different person.
The officers who brought the box come back with their packs whirring. The woman turns toward them, but she must deem them harmless because she begins to expand, growing taller and wider, curving ther body over the boy.
From where Abernathy sits at the woman's back, it looks as if she's trying to grow large enough to envelope the water pourer whole. Turning away from the officers is a mistake, at least on the woman's part. The taller one starts to package her. Black wisps break from her body and are sucked into the hose of the demonstrator.
Not that he knows, really. It's not even that he dislikes the auditor, it's just he's found he must establish an air of authority otherwise fall victim to extreme episodes of unprecedented self loathing. He wonders if Kai knew what she was doing. For the most part, all Abernathy does is guess and hope he's right.
