https://www.experimental-history.com/p/good-conversations-have-lots-of-doorknobs
Givers think that conversations unfold as a series of invitations; takers think conversations unfold as a series of declarations. When giver meets giver or taker meets taker, all is well. When giver meets taker, however, giver gives, taker takes, and giver gets resentful ("Why won't he ask me a single question?") while taker has a lovely time ("She must really think I'm interesting!") or gets annoyed ("My job is so boring, why does she keep asking me about it?").
What matter most, then, is not how much we give or take, but whether we offer and accept affordances. Takers can present big, graspable doorknobs ("I get kinda creeped out when couples treat their dogs like babies") or not ("Let me tell you about the plot of the movie Must Love Dogs...). Good taking makes the other side want to take too ("I know! My friends asked me to be the godparent to their Schnauzer, it's so crazy" "What?? Was there a ceremony?"). Similarly, some questions have doorknobs ("Why do you think you and your brother turned out so different?") and some don't ("How many of your grandparents are still living?"). But even affordance-less giving can be met with affordance-ful taking ("I have one grandma still alive, and I think a lot about all this knowledge she has-how to raise a family, how to cope with tragedy, how to make chocolate zucchini bread-and how I feel anxious about learning from her while I still can").
